It feels so strong how my thoughts are being split between many different priorities in this phase of my life. I have literally put myself first in terms of trying to sort out my own home. My own self and relationship first, and whatever is around is secondary. Nothing really matters and I feel guilty about it. Very guilty.
In this space, as I publish these stories or little thoughts and experiences I get to be who I truest am without any adaptations. And that’s why I feel extremely burdened by what I am going through right now. I am trying to figure out if the relationship I am in right now is capable of fulfilling my ambitions of once having wanted to be in a relationship or deciding to be alone for the foreseeable future would be the next phase in my life.
It feels that I have dropped everything else to focus on this singular decision or mindset or whatever you want to call it. I’m dealing with infidelity (or at least how I see it from my side) while my career is picking up and I am successfully shining through my job. I have finally found a job, a leader and a team that see my worth and I don’t really need to prove anything to anyone.
I am currently in this limbo. I even bought a proposal gift but I do not know that if I propose I would really be meaning it from deep down inside. If I’d be fulfilling my inner purpose, that force that keeps me alive or would I be spiraling down into the abyss. My fear is that it would get better and that’s what’s the relationship with my partner is about, there is no more into it and it won’t get better. It won’t improve. It won’t evolve positively… do I take that chance or do I just drop everything and live a single life with my self, my thoughts, my job and some little friends I have.
I wish I could know. Really… when we watch all these movies and listen to all these songs, it seems to be so easy; flowing and uninterrupted. Everything just falls into place. I don’t know if I think I deserve everything falling into place for me. I mean, I think I do, I’ve been through a lot in this life and I deserve a little break… will I get it? That’s a different story.
Do I love my partner? Of course I do. There are moments I think what the heck am I doing here? Then I burst or do not settle to what my partner is able to give (or not give) in that moment and then I blame myself… it’s too complex to talk about here… but that’s just a nutshell.
I am sorry to leave this post hanging… but that’s how I feel now. Hanging by a thread.