As I sit writing this blog, I feel I am pushing it to write. Usually this does not yield good fruits. But maybe it will…
As a child all I had after school was “outside”. This was my entertainment. My friend. I had my Matchbox car that changed color when put in warm water and some Johntoy Army Soldier (the green soldiers most kids had to play with at that age). I think I was the youngest child in the village. Such a tiny village. Few hundreds of people if even that.
“Outside” was my companion. I would make spiderwebs from old tapes (yeah, 90s kid) and then connect these tapes between the plants my father nurtured in the front part of the house. We lived in a typical old village house. Made of stones. Yellow stones. In front of the house was a space made of cement and then a big garden that expands as far as you want to see till the next house. Or maybe as a kid I imagined it was that vast…
The backside of the house we had a back garden too. We had chickens and a rooster. We had a fig tree, a lavender bush and bunch of other fruit giving trees and bushes. There was also a huge, massive, jasmine tree that managed to hang itself up on one of the front walls of the house. It housed many insects and bees.
That was “outside” for me. I was not an outside kid. I didn’t want to be outside with the trees, bushes, cement and dirt… I didn’t want the bees be buzzing in my ears as they traveled back and forth to the Jasmine tree. I didn’t like to be dirty. I fed the ants on the inclination leading to our house rice and wheat. I spoke to them. I nurtured them and wished them well.
What I wanted to do as a child is sit inside, play with my Johntoy Army Soldiers in the living room where the rest of the family was. But maybe, I was just too much of a noise or maybe it wasn’t so pleasant as I thought it was (as a kid) and that was their way to keep me out. I didn’t want to be forced over and over again to go to the tiny-winy shop we had in the village to get my sidling a can of Pepsi or a bag of chips. I just wanted to chill. Next to them. Around them.
I know, I know very well and deep inside that they loved me. I know that they have not meant any harm towards me because time had shown me how much they cared for me in the years to come. At the same time, this, this experience had shaped me. And that, now, I accept and try to live with in my daily interaction with others. Friendships, groups, colleagues, basically, life.
“Outside” became my companion. If you have seen the series on Netflix Sabrina – 🙂 – The Void has become a person whom I created to accompany me. There was literally no one else to play with in that village. My cousins who visited once in a blue moon didn’t like my Johntoy Army Soldiers and my color changing Matchbox car and fought with me because I didn’t have much advanced toys. My mom’s argument was that I was old enough not to play with toys. Fact is, we didn’t have any money to buy toys. We only just had enough for food…
As I poor my heart out tonight, I wonder towards myself (of course), have we all in this family of mine come a long way and are where we are today out of mere luck? Destiney? Or hard, hard work, extreme perseverance, relentless will to survive, live and establish a life that we had always wanted to have to ourselves. And then I found myself last weekend writing to my coach that “I ran out of enthusiasm”.
Well-Duh! Writing here and going through this endless-as-it-seems blog just gave me the answer. My enthusiasm had run out in the first thirty-two years of my life. That’s a lot of enthusiasm to spend in the first thirty-two years. But hey, it got me here, today, I am writing this blog. Through my coaching sessions I have been able to logically and systematically explore my “self” and try, just try to find my enthusiasm again. The “YES”, the “WOOHOOO” which I lost over the years. It is a first step towards… I do not know towards what exactly. It is a step. Somewhere… Or just a step to allow myself to allow myself to be. Be comfortable with my own skin. Be open to opportunities. Be ready to be loved. Be me.
Does this sound of mine echoo-echoo-choo-oo-oo