Few years ago I was working for a company where some senior managers called me the Digital Whiz Kid. I felt somewhat distinguished and at the same time I felt that this is too much of a complement for me to accept. Two factors played the role in making me feel this way; the first was that I did not feel confident enough with my own skills, and the second was that it was coming from a non-digital savvy leadership who did not know what they were talking about (and maybe they did, but that was my perception).
This morning, I was “coincidently” having a conversation with my partner who happens to be a Systemic Life Coach about a related question: Why is it that I do not feel as successful as you or others think or feel I am? I cannot grasp the underlying psychological factor that lingers beneath my physic. Blaming it on the ego is an easy getaway. A some sort of “hey, it’s my Ego. I cannot do anything about it” or “oh there my Ego goes again stop it (or not)…” It is too easy.
For years, I have worked with all the knowledge I have accumulated. I read articles about my profession, I studied even more than the average person and I did multiple courses and accreditations to excel in my job. Yet, someway, somehow, sometimes I feel like a fraud. But when I rationalise it, I realise I am not. How is this possible?
Now, coming to think about it from a “Systemic Life Coach” perspective and how they describe patterns and themes and the effect of our parents success but also our perception of them are on us, it kind of makes sense. My partner said “Well, children often do not allow themselves to be more successful than their parents and that’s why you suffer and your siblings are suffering too.”
Then it hit me! Do I consider my father to have been a successful man? Do I consider my mother to have been a successful woman? Where is the idol for me growing up and wanting to reach that place or have I surpassed it and now is the time where I torture myself for doing that? Have I looked at the achievements of my father in amazements at any given point (him being the male idol for me as his son)?
Realising that “us” the sons and daughters of our parents, are ever loyal to our parents (whether we realise it within our patterns or not) with all the feelings that we have grew up with, evolved and suppressed to be eventually translated in our daily actions and behaviours and thought patterns is eyeopening.
The process is long and tedious. I have opened the door to step out. I await further enlightened moments to put my first foot out of the door or even intend to do so. Until then, I leave you with this thought.