Back when I was in my home country I used to have these “down times”. These are often times which I feel angry at myself, the world and everyone in it. These times are times for me to implode on myself towards the world. I want to talk to no one, be touched by no one, loved by no one, talked to by no one… I want to be simply left completely alone. I don’t want instructions or guides on how to leave this period, phase or whatever you want to call it.
Today, as I am on vacation away from work and the business of every day life, I find myself falling back to that pattern that has not been in my life for some time now. Not in the extremity of it at least. It started with a complete astonishment of how am I able to accept and understand my partner’s certain behaviors and patterns. And from there onward it was just a down hill. I felt I had no energy to do any physical activity or move and then I felt I was completely drained.
What happens? I don’t really know for sure. What I think happens, is that I go into this spiral of negative thoughts where I do not allow myself to speak my mind. I hold back. Because if I do not hold back there will be a confrontation or a fight and I do not want this anymore. So I implode. Unfortunately.
I would have wanted to think of my self as a “zen” and all accepting but I don’t think I’m there… or ever will be…