Over the past few days, I have been scrolling through my social feeds. Going back in time to a time where I was still discovering myself, the world, and dealing with the repercussions of the experiences I have had to live with during my childhood and teenage time.
One thing was very prominent on these different timelines. One thing that today I could not oversee. As I scrolled through these timelines, I was taken aback to a time where I was a terrified, traumatized kid who was living in an adult’s body. The child in me was unable to accompany the evolution of my body in its new form as a young adult.
I or the child in me was still reliving the traumatized excessive bulling I underwent for ten years (or so) with its different versions and evolution over time. I was still convinced that, even if I accept my past and move on, it will repeat itself endlessly in a time loop. This conviction ended up a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Being friendly by nature attracted many people to me. I could hold up a conversation from a young age. I could level up to older people on an intellect level and that gave me advantage of having the privilege of sitting on the table with many, many highly smart and intellectual men and women who have also contributed to my growth. All that, came with many, many limitations. I was still fearful, terrified and underprepared.
I was very much convinced with the self-fulfilling prophecy which I had developed over the ten long years of being bullied, neglected and alone… I lived in my own bubble. An alternative reality to that one my body had lived in. Where things are nice, clear and people are familiar and friendly… But that alternative reality also had a self-fulfilling prophecy where it had to go wrong by the end of each story line.
With all the love that I received from the hundreds if not thousands of people I have met between the age of fourteen and twenty… I have literally betrayed myself and restricted myself from allowing myself to give myself a chance to be loved. To be loved. To be loved. To be accepted and taken into consideration. To be hugged. To be genuinely cared for. To be listened to. To be… To be…
The little tyrant in my did not allow me to flourish. That little child that restricted me from the sense of enjoyment, the sense of self love, self care… would not allow others to enjoy my presence, love me, care for me… Of course, not! Why would he while all he had to do is suffer for years while the grown up me was incapable of giving him any sense of security or protection. It makes sense. Total sense.
I sat down today on the dinner table and looked at my partner in the eyes and said: ” I realize now, how many people have been put on my road to love me, show me how much of a lovable person I was, how beautiful I was growing up and how much of a nice company I was to those people. But eventually I turned my back on them and left because of my incapacity to comprehend their feelings. I was never used to these feelings growing up being portrayed to me from a handful of people (manly family)…
I was so much loved. I still am. I am loved. Yet, I could not deal with it back then. Today I stand in the consciousness (at least) of realizing that I am loved and acknowledging that I am a lovable person. Realizing that I am capable of holding a relationship with others and enjoying their presence with mutual love and trying, trying to allow myself to enjoy this phase.