In case you are wondering why have I been utterly silent over the past few weeks… Well, I have been wondering the same thing. I have been busy – My mind has been running in a speed of light (that’s not very accurate as it’s not very scientific – my mind has mass and therefore cannot travel at a speed of light but anyway…)!
Where do I begin? To tell a story that I should not be telling. A story that I never expected to be playing one of the main characters in. I do not want to tell this story because I am afraid it becomes too real, too confronting, too…
I am playing one of the main characters in a situation where I am expected to make decisions which will determine the future of two human beings. Two souls. Two bodies. Two breathing individuals. I am expected to make one of the most difficult decisions in my life so far and I am not sure I am ready to do it.
Being away from home for almost 5 days because I chose to do that for my own sake. I needed space. I needed time. I needed to feel how it is to feel deep down in my bones how I feel. I still need to feel how I feel down deep in my bones. In the deepest alleys and hallways of my soul. It’s getting there.
My fear, my fear is getting used to being an individual again and not a couple. Just like old times. A singular. A person who is proud that he’s made it alone in this world with all the difficulties that were put in his way. But then I question myself, am I not acting like a victim? Is this not a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Although I would like to believe that I am not the one who caused the current situation, I feel that it is essential that I not only fall into the victimhood but also utilize my rational mind, my experience and my feelings to guide me. To help me. Because I really need the help and no one can provide it to me, but myself. This is something I need to do. The decision is mine. What a situation!
Today, I had an hour walk in the woods. I felt very refreshed afterwards and drove me through today. But every night towards this time, I dip… Dip deep into myself into my situation which is not necessarily a negative thing. I need to do this. I need to establish contact with my essence to learn what I really need.
I am sorry this blog post is not as hopeful or enthusiastic as you might like it to be or you got used to me to be.