What happens at night!?

Over the past period I have been listening to my mind or maybe call it to myself (whatever that is). Every night when I am preparing myself to go to bed, I brush my teeth, wash my face and head to bed. And then the journey begins.

At first, the first thought that comes to mind: Have I locked the door? I indulge in this thought and then I go downstairs to check if the door is locked. Sometimes, I ask my partner to check it, sometimes I check it. Sometimes I delay checking it and start imagining scenarios where someone would break in…

That was a consistent first thought. I know, for a fact, that it will come my way. With time I started expecting it and for some reason I started realizing and saying to myself “aaaah here we go again!” When I started doing that, this thought started slowly becoming ineffective. These thoughts evolved to something more subtle more complex and tricky.

I started having these thoughts when I was brushing my teeth. Something that is interlaced; a thought that would begin positive and eventually goes wrong and it would hook me to it because I would still be enjoying the nice first bit of it till it flips. Soon, I started realizing that too and funny enough I started looking at “myself” as a third-person in the eyes and say “are you seriously doing this? :/” Or more something like “You got me there, that was a low blow.” And then I would float.

The floating part is rewarding. Being able to retrieve myself from the discomfort of a thought that is completely meaningless but effective to hook me and cause me ill feelings is the first step. I took that by acknowledging that it is the creation of “myself” and has no real impact on my reality and the moment I am in (which is lying in bed and trying to fall asleep). The second step came involuntarily; floating.

I float between every hooking thought and the other. And the more I allow myself to look at these thoughts from afar, realize that they are just thoughts, accept them and send them on their way, the more my floating time became longer and the calmer my body dipped into my bed mattress preparing to sleep.

Now, this process takes me hours. Sometimes it disrupts my sleeping patterns. I wake up in the morning half-zombie. But the reward of floating there, embracing the power of my ability to realize what I am doing to “myself” through “myself” is priceless.

Now, I start to ask “myself” questions after every thought. I know, for a fact, that I will not get any answers but I do it anyway. One of the most important questions that I realized need to be asked is: Why? Why do we live in this life, to have ourselves in these situations some in more severe manner and others in less severe manner but to eventually die and move on? Why do we encounter these thoughts to then overcome them (if ever)? Why do you (directed to “myself” or “my mind” or whatever you want to call it) ignite negative scenarios and thoughts which trigger feelings of sadness, anger and fear for the purpose to overcome it or dip into it and never come out? Why?

Naturally, I see myself looking and “myself” and I see “myself” looking at myself with a smile on my face… And the answer comes through another hooking thought examining me once again. And then we go into the same spiral of “Aaaah I know what you’re doing” or “Wow, you really went low this time… Good one!” and then I move to answer “why?” and that happens a few times before I doze off into sleep.

If you ask me “WTF is happening with you?” I’d say “I have zero clue! But it must be healthy to realize this and not dip every time there is a negative thought floating around…”

Am I crazy or have you had a similar experience?

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