Whatever you want to call it, a panic attack (a bit too extreme if you ask me) or anxiety (maybe, a mild one) or whatever it was, it creeped the hell out of me.
Last night, as we were traveling back home from our holiday destination for the first time ever, I felt fear on my life. Thoughts started invading my mind like a hurricane, I could see the lights of the seatbelt signs blinking as we took off and during the first few minutes of the flight as the airplane ascended. And I told myself, is this plane going to last for a ten hours flight!
At a certain point, I found myself in a very tiny corner in my brain going in spirals of “what ifs”. What if the plane crashes in the middle of the ocean? What if there were sharks? What if we had good pilots who land on water but no one would come to save us? And then my creative brain built up endless scenarios about the situation… Eventually, I picked myself up from that tiny corner and was able to enjoy my flight back home with my partner.
This, has never happened to me before. Previously, I have always enjoyed the beauty of flying in an airplane. I enjoyed the scenery. I enjoyed the most parts of the flight which people don’t enjoy: Taking off and landing. But something seemed to have changed in the past few weeks.
I remember having a conversation with my partner few weeks before our vacation about death. My main point was, I do not mind dying at any given point. Don’t panic, I meant, I am ready to let go of my life if nature want to take my life away from me (naturally and not by inflicting any form or shape of self harm). This conversation might have been a different one if we have it today.
Maybe, well, I think definitely nothing happens for no reason. I think coincidences do not exist in life. And this experience on this flight has been an eye opener for me about the preciousness of my life and at the same time made me realize that, although, I would like to be Zen about attachment to things, people and life, I might not be where I would have thought I was. And that, I have a judgement on for the time being and that in itself is not very Zen.