As I was growing up, I had this instances of complete numbness to reality and to what is going on around me. These instances usually were a result of situations around me that I did not or could not handle or maybe I did not know how to handle. I had no experience or knowledge on what to do, how to act, what to feel, how to feel about it.
As a bullied kid and at a later stage teenager I remember when I had really tough days I would simply become completely numb emotionally and mentally. I would not think or feel anything. I would be angry towards myself and how unfairly I have been treating myself by allowing others to mistreat me as a child. I would torture myself internally for allowing this whole thing to happen.
Then, I would externalize this anger towards the person who cared about me the most in this life: my mother. She was pushy, she wanted to know why I would sleep early, why I would not eat or why I look upset, she would ask questions and try to investigate, but I would snap at her and push her away because I was too ashamed to admit it anyone.
I thought that phase in my life has subsided to find myself finding “her” (the phase) back into my life. The phase where I find myself numb because I do not know what to do, how to act, where to stand, how to behave and where to go. I find myself completely handcuffed to an experience I do not want to have. A kind of betrayal. A kind of dishonesty and misuse of my trust which I am very much resisting to be part of.
Yes, I know. surrendering to the experiences we have in life is key. Well… I lost that key and it is easier said than done. What happens if I close myself up, turn my back and just move on? Would I be fulfilling the self fulfilling prophecy? Would I be repeating old patterns of my old life where I have moved on so many times when I found myself in similar situations? (well similar situations is not accurate, this is the first time I face this situation in a personal, intimate, long relationship)
Would I be running away from “difficult”? And would that “difficult” be chasing me in the future and popping up in new relationships? Do I need to work it out? Or do I want to work it out because I am still in love?
When I look in my photo albums at our holiday photos and photos we’ve taken here and there around our home I feel extreme sense of love, cozy warm feeling and the question that pops up always “how could you do this while we had that?”.
As I sit in front of this laptop and type this, a thought comes to my mind in a question form: Even if I am willing to put this behind me because of my love and understanding, am I capable as a human being to do this?